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Gah! I hate that feeling! You know? When I cram my foot in my mouth so deep I feel the inside wall of my stomach.
What I did isn't earth shattering, but it's enough to occupy the mind and make the heart sink. It's when you care about someone who has done a kindness for you. She shows you generosity, and then, for the sake of a laugh, you trivialize it.
That's what I did today. Someone I care about bought us some tickets to a live production, one that I had only seen in film. As I was decompressing from a busy morning I used my playful banter to relax. Well as I am wont to do, I went too far, and I outright mocked the play and unintentionally demeaned her thoughtful and generous gift.
If it had only been a stranger I would be embarrassed. Yes! But quickly time passes and embarrassment subsides. The experience morphs into a self-deprecating joke that gets retold again and again for more laughs. "Remember that time when I..."
But when I hurt someone I love I feel it in my stomach. I carry the heaviness with me. It's a low, empty-feeling inside. I want to physically get down on the floor to get lower than the sadness; I actually hurt with the one I hurt.
I understand and feel this sentiment: I want to crawl under a rock and sit alone. Waiting, praying to forget about what I've said or done.
What to do when I feel like this? Much should be said about asking for forgiveness and saying, "I'm sorry." For the first time in a long time my initial reaction was to call and say, "I'm sorry." Not, "I'm sorry you feel that way." But rather "I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings." "I wasn't appreciative of your thoughtfulness." And "I will be more mindful of how my actions impact you." But, "I'm sorry" is only a statement, an acknowledgement of fault. It's a beginning place.
I have yet to say, "Will you forgive me?" "Will you forgive me?" That's a whole other question. It increases my vulnerability. It takes the control away from me and places it in the heart and mind of the one whom I've offended. When was the last time you asked, "Will you forgive me?" And who was it?
Over time that heavy feeling will go away. But the quicker I ask the question the quicker the healing begins and peace will be restored.
